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May 29, 2008
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With me no longer working for/with people worthy of little more than being made fish food, I find in recent times that I have little to complain about. And it was the complaints which fueled this writing effort all along whether I realized it or not. Most of the laughter along the way was just filler.
There has been so much negativity in my life--too much for too long--that even when I felt upbeat, positive, full of life, there seemed these spectres lurking inside me waiting to burst forth and fuck it all up. I know. That's just a bunch of metaphorical junk. You're right.
But in recent weeks events have unfolded which have opened my eyes to some pretty damned important things in my life, and I don't want to lose them. Right now I'm just trying to understand them, more so understand her. We've been together for a long time, longer than any of our friends were ever joined, and it's like I'm seeing her for the first time; and hopefully, if there is any hope, she is seeing me anew too.
So I'm taking a pause from writing to focus on her and this thing we have made together--this life--to tease out the good from the bad so that we can start again to move together in step as we once did (I hope); like we should have been doing all along. Here marks the beginning of a redo. I want to muster the courage to (once again) introduce myself to her and see if I can't coax this beautiful woman, who has given so much to me over the years while hiding so much of herself away while doing it, out from behind her diaphanous veil that I might meet the real her... here... now... and possibly for the first time (ever). And all this without breaking her.
When I started this thing, all I asked for was 108 years. What I failed to convey (to myself and others) was that I only ever truly wanted that time to be spent with her at my side every step of the way.
Posted by Tacitus at May 29, 2008 06:08 PM
Comments
I believe it's a rare thing in life to be able to truly look at yourself - and those around. I commend you on the knowledge and especially the courage to post it here. You are both extremely rare and genuine people....Go forth and introduce yourselves to each other.
Posted by: kerrie at May 29, 2008 08:31 PM
I have always admired (and envied) the rapport you and she have had - at least, that which you have priviledged your friends to see, and hopefully notice. To you and family I offer my best wishes and any assistance I can provide from distance and time apart. (not that you need it, but it makes me feel better. *grin*)
At this point I have naught but memories, and I wish I had more photos, but I still think of y'all fondly.
Posted by: nakhira at May 29, 2008 11:00 PM